Krazy Konversations

Recruit 5 and I were driving around today, just the two of us. We had taken Scratch, our black lab to get his stitches out. He had 7 Lumps removed and had five major incisions. He is all healed, but I thought I should give you the background that prompted the following discussion.

Recruit 5: "Mom, have you had a surgery?"

Kelli: "Yes about two years ago."

Recruit 5: "Oh, what kind of surgery?"

Kelli: "I had a hysterectomy."

*I have always thought it important to be honest, use proper anatomical names and try and give only as much info as they ask. It's caused a few embarrassing moments in the past. However, I believe in answering all their questions, even though I know the word uterus will come out of his mouth at the most embarrassing possible moment sometime in the future.

Recruit 5: "What is a hysterectomy?"

Kelli: "Well I had to have my uterus taken out."

Recruit 5: "What's a uterus?"

Kelli: {crap} "It's where babies grow before they are born. It keeps them safe and warm until they are ready to come out."

Recruit 5: "Oh, your stomach?"

Kelli: "No, it's right below your stomach, but mine is gone now. I didn't need it anymore. It looks like it's the mom's belly when she gets big as the baby gets bigger, but it's really her uterus getting bigger with the baby."

Recruit 5: "What's 4 + 2?"

Kelli: {oh thank goodness, we're moving on} "Six"

Recruit 5: "aha. 4 boys and 2 girls. 6 kids. No wonder."

They just keep getting smarter.

Things I Heard on Sunday

2 minutes left before I needed to run out the door. I am in the bathroom. I'm yelling for people to get in the van.

I am hurriedly applying make up. Or attempting to.

The Marine is trying to slick down hair.

I hear:

The Marine: "DON'T WIPE YOUR NOSE ON YOUR BROTHER'S SHIRT!"

I don't bother to look. Whatever is there is going to church with us.

Later in our Sunday School class, Recruit 6, one of our students was sitting for quite awhile with his hand raised.

I finally had no choice but to call on him. We were discussing how we know our parent's love us and how we can let them know we love them.

Kelli: "Yes Recruit 6, what is it?"

Recruit 6 settles in his chair saying ummmm. Finally, "We have to keep the Gospel from attacking people's houses."

I sit still pondering this. Not sure what he possibly could have meant. I turn to The Marine who team teaches with me.

"Hey, did you hear that?"

The Marine glances up from the scriptures he's been searching and says, "I think it should attack people's houses." And he looks back down and begins reading.

Recruit 6 seemed fine with that answer and we moved on.

After church: I took a nap.

The Truck!

So another Marine who is also a member of the big truck club and runs with the diesels, hooked me up! He drained the fuel filter on the bottom underneath the driver's seat and the message disappeared.

Now I had to buy new filters. The Marine wanted me to pick them up. ug. Not my thing, ya know. Auto parts stores.

So to counter the years of torture of being sent into these kinds of stores completely clueless, I walked in like I owned the place, and said with an authoritative voice, "I need the fuel filters for an o7 F250 Diesel."

The I stared him in the eyes.

I detest going into auto parts stores. Almost as much as hardware stores. It brings back memories of my dad sending me to McCoys and a sample of a part. Usually a tiny screw, pvc piece or some bizarre nut or bolt. "Go get me EXACTLY this, and I want 57 of them."

I would go and walk into the nut aisle. I would stand, mouth ajar, perhaps scratching my head, and stare at the THOUSANDS of nuts. or tiny screws. or some weird shaped elbow pvc connecting thingy. Seriously? How many nuts could there possibly be? Apparently a lot. And dutifully held my tiny sample up against each one.

So back to the filters. They looked something up, went in the back and brought out a box. I asked if they were the ones with micro fibers. Then it happened.

Carquest man stops working, as do the other five Carquest guys all standing around at computers looking important, and just stare. I got "the look".

If you're a woman, you know what I'm talking about. I intensely dislike "the look".

The look that says "huh?".

So I said, "never mind. I am just making sure this one goes underneath in the horizontal fuel module as well as the other one that goes on top?" HA! BITE ME CARQUEST GUY! TAKE THAT. (of course that last part in capital letters was all said in my head.)

In reality I just stood there, staring back, willing myself not to blink.

All the Carquest dudes simultaneously go back to looking important standing behind their computers and quoting part numbers.

*Side thought: Don't they get tired? Does Carquest not provide stools?

It's confirmed, he pulls out the filters for my inspection. I pick them up, handle them what I assume is appropriately, and shove them back in the box.

"Very good, thank you."

So I leave Carquest and book it over to Food Lion. The Marine calls me. I tell him I've procured his filters.

He asks if I have them with me.

um no. I'm in Food Lion.

When I get back to the truck, I call him back.

"Okay, I'm in the truck with the filters. What did you want to know?"

The Marine asked me something that I can't remember now, but I used my carquest voice and state quite knowledgeably that no, these filters did not have the something I can't remember now that he asked if they had.

He said "oh, okay, that's fine."

And that was it. I did it! I didn't get "the look" (you can even feel it over the phone, or a two way radio) you always get after you've tried to explain to an auto parts guy or a home building store guy what your father/husband cruelly made you go pick up and then go home just to get "the other look" from your husband or father when you brought home a screw or a nut or a filter that was a teenie weenie bit different than what they had requested! And here you had just spent two hours holding them all up and squinting. AND they are peeved you've been gone two hours.

It is a great day for women like me everywhere!

I am going to sit here now and enjoy the glow of the moment. Because tomorrow.... tomorrow he will try to put the filters in the truck. I'm leaving before he gets up to do that. I don't want to be around in the event I get "the look".

The Marine and vehicles

One time when I had the first suburban we owned, I pulled in the driveway. Put it in park. Turned if off. Got out.

I couldn't get it to start after that. I went in and told The Marine.

He said, "WHAT DID YOU DO?"

It was the alternator. I sabotaged it. Purposefully, so I could experience his veins sticking out of his forehead.

One time the Marine was driving the little green Saturn I have since sold when he deployed, (for five hundred dollars) and it died on him in the middle of the main road in our town.

He called me. "Did you drive this car?"

Yes, last night at 0230 so I could sabotage it when you drove it the next day because I like to see the vein stick out on your forehead.

You get the picture.

This week I drove the beloved F250 Big Gray Truck. A message came on that said Water in Fuel. I drove it home, parked it, and haven't touched it since.

The Marine says today... "You know you were driving it when the message came on", and he began to laugh.

He likes to see the vein stick out on my forehead....

How to get a 16 year old boy out of your car!

When our children begin high school, they also begin taking a church class called seminary. Where we live they have to attend early morning seminary. Or early morning cemetery as our fabulous seminary teacher calls it on occasion.

My high school children start their school day at 0630 every morning for four years. Add to that family scripture and prayer, our alarms start going off at 0530. Now think about most teenage boys... ug.

Recruit 2 and I have a unique relationship. We often talk about his future, his feelings, how he views the world.

Okay. I'm making that up. But we do have good talks and are pretty open, as open as a 16 year old will be with his mom.

So this morning I drive Recruit 2 at 0630 up to the church building to begin is day. I leave the other children briefly to drive him a block or so. I expect to pull up, shove him out and boogie back home. The Marine usually takes him and I can lay in bed an extra thirty minutes.

I'm annoyed I have lost my thirty minutes.

We get up there and the Bishops car is in the parking lot, empty. A white van waits in the parking lot. People are in it. Another student gets out and goes and stands by the church doors. The seminary teacher has not yet arrived.

Kelli: "Get out."

Recruit 2: "Mom, Sister Seminary teacher isn't here yet."

Kelli: "So, the Bishop is. Get out."

Recruit 2: "Mom, the building is locked."

Kelli: "The bishop's car is empty." The lights of the Marine's truck are shining straight into the car. Yes I'm driving his truck BECAUSE I CAN!!!! (he's in Quantico)

Recruit 2: "He's probably doing something important, I don't want to interrupt him."

Kelli: "RECRUIT 2, you nit. It's 0630, I have 4 kids alone at home. Get out."

Recruit 2: "MOM! Look, that boy is standing by the doors!"

Kelli: "He didn't try the doors, I watched. I bet they are unlocked. Where do you think the Bishop is? GET OUT!"

Recruit 2 doesn't move. So I try a new tactic.

Kelli: "So... Did you ever think your eternal companion is out there somewhere right now? She probably has guys totally trying to hook up with her. How does that make you feel? Do you pray that she is protected and has strength to stay pure? I mean really. Think about it. She could be anywhere having experiences and being prepared to meet you and marry in the Temple. I think you need to start praying for her, so she is protected and prepared and that you will have the spirit with you to know when you meet her. I mean she could even be on the other side of the world having lunch RIGHT NOW!"

I took a breath and he looked at me.

Recruit 2: "I'm not marrying Kenz!"

(her family just moved to Korea and honestly I wasn't even thinking of her. But HE did.... hmmmmm, anyway, I go on.)

Kelli: "Son, I'm not referring to her specifically, just the point that she, your future wife whomever it is, is out there, alive and breathing and having experiences... Hey wait, what are you doing? I had more to say!"

Recruit 2 rolls down the window and yells at the other student to see if the doors are unlocked.

They are.

(like I said)

He gets out, looks at me and says "later mom, love you." Slams the door and heads off.

Ha! Victory!

I am free!!!!

OH MY GOSH! SERIOUSLY??

As I type this I am waiting for a police officer to arrive at my home. Don't worry. Everyone is safe. The picture below should explain.

If you are confused, let me point out the CAR KEYS in the cup holder. Disregard the straw wrappers and the empty Frutista Freeze cup. This picture is taken through the window of my van. My tightly locked up, sealed, closed, Fort Knox Kia Van.

It wouldn't be so bad but The Marine is in Quantico with the other set of keys. In his backpack. In his rental car. Well probably in his hotel room by now.

It really wouldn't be an issue. I have the truck and jeep to drive. The issue is two sets of shoulder pads and three football helmets. The Marine doesn't get back until FRIDAY... OH Wait, my policeman is here.

It's OPEN. THAT QUICK. I'll complain later, I have to get to football practice....

The Sock Basket Pushed Me Over The Edge

Life caught up. After last weeks injuries, the long long weeks of The Marine's class that is driving him insane and Recruit 2 getting his foot run over by another student at the volleyball game last night with his car and having to go to the urgent care this morning and Recruit 4 having issues already with school and Recruit 1 not here and Recruit 3 being a morose 14 year old and Recruit 5 squalling like a banshee every afternoon and delaying his homework for HOURS, all the laundry and Recruit 6 non stop hopping, leaping, and Ninja-ing everything....

The overflowing sock basket pushed me over the edge.

I started trying to pick stuff up for the bug guy. I didn't have a lot of help.

I had to stop to find socks for Recruit 6. I picked up many but no matches. I found some matches but they were DIRTY.

OH MY GOSH are you KIDDING ME???? wait I need a few more symbols at the end of ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!!!!!!$%#@!!!!!

That's it. I'm done. I'm going to go get my toes done. And a Sonic drink.